i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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