Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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