I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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