I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
