I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
