I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
