I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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