Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
