when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
