just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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