Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i dont even know how to be here
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
