Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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