The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ladies don't puke and tell
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
