everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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