Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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