I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i think i have two assholes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
