nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
