we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
