You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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