Banned from zoo.
Again?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
