textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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