he puts the penis in happiness.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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