It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
