my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
