Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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