So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
