Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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