let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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