i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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