Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
