I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone came in the potted fern
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
