I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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