laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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