So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
