So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
