meet me or not, i'm out of control
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
