our cab driver is having phone sex.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I deserve this hangover.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize