The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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