he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
