Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
