you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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