I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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