So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
