woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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