For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
