Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i think my cat just said my name.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
