I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
