Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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