I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
