Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
