who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
