I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
