Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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