Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
A bitchslap is in order.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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