Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
