having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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