He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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