i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
