Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
