Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
