Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
