College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
