I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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