wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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